Secret Agent Man


Deadwood Dick


GUN 2013

Chapter 1


I am strictly federal ~ having tramped around some states ~ and landed a little social-security income at 62 unto death.

I was pretty rebellious come the end of the Vietnam War which I dodged ~ and pretty shiftless ~ had two nervous breakdowns by this time and carried on in an abstract half-insane manner.  Then I enlisted via lies the recruiter sign-language-ed me to tell and after some medals and an honorable, took some more university ~ 6 years full-time all together without a degree ~ having been raised in a house opportunely 2 blocks away.

The only entity that ever payed me for my writing ~ other than some books I wrote & printed myself & sold to individuals here & there ~ was the U.S. Army ~ which made me a budding journalist for 4 years.  So I am pretty strictly federal.

The social security I’ve begun enjoying recently comes from FDR’s New Deal & some work on my part ~ here we go now, baby, now ~ busing tables, busing kids, pulling shipyard electrical cables, twirling airport tugs, loading bags, unloading boxcars, endless hours of warehouse boredom, tooling around & around in delivery trucks, of course digging ditches especially after transformationing blank pages for Uncle Sam, mowing lawns and trimming bushes from the bay to the borderlands, grouting and cutting tile, yes I was a laborer for a while, while I wrote them silly books.  Of course some fools think I’m lazy when in fact I’m just not that materialistic.

I’d like to add that for about 15 hours a day for about 15 days I worked on a merry-go-round somewhat gently tossing babies like sacks of potatoes onto bouncing plastic horses for the most beautiful young mommas I’ve ever been around whom I shall label Albuquerque Hispanic.  Whatever else I did for wages always legit & almost always low ~ who cares?  And now at 62 I’m strictly federal.

So if Ted Nugent & Wayne La Pierre want our nation bristling with AK40s & 30-round bannana clips because they’re paranoid of a professor of the Constitution in the White House who is 30 times smarter than them ~ and if jack-ass Teddy and whinny Wayne aren’t properly impressed with 20 first-graders getting mowed down by one of these weapons ~ so if thusly bombs were to drop on the houses of Nugent and La Pee-in-the-air, you would be able to watch me cry crocodile tears with my out-of-tune violin.

I’m not really a secret-agent man.  I only pretend.  But I’m not pretending about being strictly federal.  I don’t care for California’s police-state manners, Arizona’s low wages, or greasies beating up gringos in New Mexico.  It’s in these places I’ve come to hang out.  And I’m looking forward to the federal government one of these days yielding to these state’s current legalizations of marijuana so that I can remain ~

Strictly federal.

~ Rawclyde!



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