Inside the Bird Cage Saloon VI



GUN 2013

Chapter 20


The double doors are a rattling in the big birdcage above our heads.  The log perch hanging from the arch is swaying.  Giant formidable talons move nervously back n’ forth on the swaying perch.  Of course it’s only my imagination gone beserk.  The bald eagle up there in the dome is a statue made of wood ~ and is still.  Maybe I’m the one having a nervous breakdown.

“Now, baby, now!”

Bang!  Bang!  The slick long-barrel derringer in Wayne Peeintheair’s spastic hand twirls thru the smokey atmosphere of the saloon.  And one of his ears disappears for good measure.  Agent Whapp, to the left o’ me, proves to be an expert marksman!  And nobody else fires a shot ‘cuz she’s so damn scary.  A sullen skull chalked like a mask on her face makes it so.

“So be it!” shouts Ted Newscent, just a guitar player, to the right o’ me.  He covers all of ’em with his 45.  He’s no longer grinning.  His jaw muscles are taunt ~ working overtime ~ as his teeth grind.

The floor is smokin’.  The boys are leavin’.  And the Bird Cage Saloon is burning down.

The bristling cannon-ware of Submissivania (Has she’s grown 5 extra arms aiming all this stuff?) offers encouragement for all AR-15 conglomerates to fold-up and depart.  And so they do.  Some of these tough guys dance a little bit as they seek an exit, for the bullets fling & sing up outta the crackling ammo dump (I presume it’s a secret NRA ammo dump) in the cellar below.

Peeintheair’s four bodyguards have become statues.  “Why don’t you guys move!” bellows my favorite old rock n’ roll star turned Obamasiah deacon.  He waves the barrel of his Colt toward the door.  Submissivania shoots somebody’s hat off ~ more encouragement.

“What the…?”

Peeintheair is doing a jig!  His clown shoes flip flop madly as he pyroots around & around, holding the ear-less side of his head as it spurts blood ‘tween his fingers.  He’s kind of like a twirling lawn sprinkler spraying red dew on the smoking, splintering planks around him.  The expression on his face is that of a grinning circus clown ~ even after having wiped off all his make-up.  He’s got a grin on his face so big his eyes are squeezed shut.  He seems to be in his element.  The racket below is deafening.  A carbon stench pervasive.  Smoke is slithering around him like out-of-body experiences.

“Hell!” snarls Ted.  He waves farewell with his gun & exits in disgust out the back door, grabs his guitar on his way out.  A large section of the floor explodes behind him & flames leap up ~ begin waltzing with our NRA celebrity.

Peeintheair’s bodyguards remain catatonic.  I guess they cannot decide whether they want to defend their looney leader or shoot him.  They haven’t moved a quarter of an inch for maybe five minutes.  One of them has a sawed-off shotgun half pulled out of his coat as if eternally posing for a camera that is not here.  Meanwhile his a-whirl dervish boss starts singing:


“What stops a bad man

with a gun?

What stops a bad man

with a gun?

Maybe nothin’ can stop him

but the rising sun!”


The coat sleeve of one of Peeintheair’s bodyguards catches fire.  This snaps the feller out of his statue-like stillness.  He drops his guns & runs ~ like an Olympic torch-carrier for the front door ~ hollering.  But he doesn’t get too far.  The floor collapses under him in a burst of red sparks.  He tumbles head first into the spluttering tumult of ricocheting bullets below ~ then comes flying out riding a piano-sized fireball that propels him back over our heads across the room.  After that I lose track of this unfortunate individual.  He probably just lies on the floor some where behind a table, perhaps on top of a table, a sizzling charbroiled hamburger…

by Rawclyde!



Inside the Bird Cage Saloon V



GUN 2013

Chapter 19


Nobody seems too impressed with my impromptu speechifying.  In fact, it seems everybody starts complaining, accusing me of being a communist, a socialist, and best of all: “a damn Obamacan!”  There is no getting through to these people.  Even Ted Newscent says to me out the corner of his mouth, “You’re extremely weird.”

However, two people are pretty much impressed.  Submissivania Whapp puts her hand on my arm for an acute moment & says, “You’re cute, Raw.”  This of course elevates the event, in my estimation, up into the stars some where.

The other person upon which my most logical interpretation of the 2nd Amendment apparently makes an impression, is one of the members of  the Iron Brotherhood.  This motorcycle gang, you may recall despite my not mentioning it earlier in this narrative, is made up predominately of off-duty Prescott police officers.  There at the bar, one gang member says to another, “You know he’s right.”

Then his compadre in black leather, slurping a beer & nudging the first feller’s elbow, replies, “No.  He’s wrong.” 

Sure enough, I guess they are somewhat inebriated.  They begin pushing each other & complaining about everything under the wooden eagle ’til louder & louder these two bikers become.  Then one threatens the other.  In consequence, the other grabs hold of the one’s wrist, the hand of which is holding a sizable handgun conglomerate with two barrels and a scope.  As they wrestle about, and incidentally draw everybody’s attention with these antics, the gun goes off.  The blast is hard on the ears not to mention ~ nerves.  Surprisingly  no one else pulls any triggers.  However, a real unexpected, in my opinion downright miraculous, phenomena occurs because of this shot, which is at the floor.  I have no idea at the moment what has occurred.  It takes me some time later to figure this out.  There’s a knothole down there on the floor through which the two flying bullets, issued forth from the double-barreled firearm, pass into the cellar.  And it’s  down there where the fireworks ironically occur.

Everybody is stunned.  Everybody glances back n’ forth at one another with questioning grimaces on their bewildered faces.  No other guns go off.  But bullets are heard flying all over the place below the floor.  It sounds like the Fourth of July down there.

“Dang blast eternity!” fumes Peeintheair, the right side of his body tremendously a jerk, and with a long barreled derringer in a hand gone spastic that he’s trying to keep aimed at Newscent.  He further fumes, “There goes our ammo dump!”

Wayne Peeintheair, we all know, is a top honcho of the National Rifle Association (NRA).  So whose ammo dump he’s mentioning here is not too hard to figure out.  However, at this time all I’m figuring is that this place is getting awful dangerous.  And everybody else is figuring the same thing without firing one shot from their AR-15 conglomerations, some of which have up to three barrels ~ most of which are pointing in the generalized direction of me!  Well, not to mention Submissivania Whapp & Ted Newscent, standing to either side of yours truly.  All these firearms are pointed more or less at these two compatriots of mine too.  But with the fireworks going on below, some guns are disappearing into briefcases & knapsacks on the bar.  And some fellers, hoisting their belongings, are casually sauntering out of the Bird Cage Saloon, the floor of which, made of hard thick wood, is splintering & exploding!

~ by Rawclyde!



Inside the Bird Cage Saloon IV

mrs earp


GUN 2013

Chapter 18


Here we stand, Ted & I, a couple long hairs.  He is a goofy guitar player and me ~ I am the White House’s second most favorite secret agent.  I don’t know where the first most favorite secret agent might be.  Horseback riding, I guess, with another one of her many beaus.

Here we stand, he & I, each under his own hat, each under his own wing of the wooden eagle perched above.  We’re all caught by surprise with Ted Newscent’s sudden shift in viewpoint.  This is an epic seismic happening.  What if, what if ~ it’s real?  Mr. Gun Rights backs Mr. Gun Regulation?  He is standing right here next to me ~ and now I note an old style Colt 44 or 45 revolver, a beautiful specimen, stuck down the front of his pants ~ must be an 8,000 dollar piece of equipment thar.

Here we stand.  I’m looking around ~ such a shiftless man I am ~ part weasel ~ yearning for a knothole in the floor that I can crawl through.  Meanwhile Newscent & Peeintheair eyeball each other ferociously.  I imagine electrical current crackling from one pair of eyeballs to the other.  Maybe I’m not imagining this at all.  Maybe the lightning is actually there between these two men.  A storm is brewing.  I almost expect rain to start pouring down any second right here inside the Bird Cage Saloon.

Peeintheair thunders, “What stops a bad man with a gun?”

The loyal choir of over-armed NRA toughs all around their leader drops its jaws & instead of the gang’s raucous reply, to my immediate left I hear a more subdued perhaps more powerful answer, “A good woman with a gun.”





She done sneaked in through the front door & is standing to the other side of old horn-dog Rawclyde ~ daughter of a bee-bee gun!  She’s armed to the teeth and then some.  This is downright ridiculous.  How’d I get into this situation?  I’m way out of my league here.  A bunch of NRA loophole-ed morons full of freshly loaded hardware not but ten feet away wanting to splatter yours truly into splats of blood on the floor and walls, Ted “fucking!” Newscent to the right o’ me pulling a Colt 45 outta his trousers, and to the left o’ me ~ we now got camofloughed, armoured yet provocatively revealed, mounted by ten kinds of firearms, one gattling & a cannon of some kind, not to mention a wheel barrow full of ammo & blunderbusses, so loaded down with evil intent that she’s setting up a tripod in front of her to bare some of the weight, my young & dynamic mysterious mystique secret agent partner, Submissivania Whapp!




Everybody gots their guns drawn.  Except me.  I don’t have a gun.  In my old age I’m just an eunuch.  I’d rather be killed than kill.  And Submissivania’s last tripod nut is tight.  So I figure now’s a good time to lecture all these fine & fancy folks:

“You know, my fellow Americans, a bunch of citizens with loopholes in their brains, armed to the teeth, isn’t what makes this nation free.  The Bill of Rights, of course, is what makes America free.  The 2nd Amendment of this Bill of Rights advocates a well regulated militia made up of the people & their firearms.  Let’s concentrate for a moment on the phrase ‘a well regulated militia.’  Concentrate real hard.  Okay, get a license to own your guns & register & insure them.  Now you’re real Americans.  And everybody else with guns are illegal & can be legally disarmed.  Wouldn’t it be nice if you were a well regulated militia, my fellow citizens, duly licensed, your guns registered, and insured.  And that’s the other half of the 2nd Amendment that Mr. Peeintheair & you have been ignoring since I don’t know when.”

~ Rawclyde!




NRA leaders flirt with treason…

civl war gettysburg


by Keith Darling-Brekhus

April 10, 2013


The NRA’s leadership embraces an insurrectionist ideology that asserts that the intent of the second amendment is to permit American citizens to shoot and kill federal agents and law enforcement officers in the event that they believe those agents are attempting to facilitate or impose some form of government tyranny. This dangerous doctrine, that flirts with committing treason, is the cornerstone of the gun lobby’s opposition to any and all forms of gun regulation. This ideology is explicitly expressed by many of the NRA’s congressional supporters. For example, freshman Republican Congressman Ted Yoho of Florida, an NRA (National Rifle Association) endorsed candidate in 2012, refusing to yield any concessions on gun regulation, recently told a reporter that it was the birthright of every American to have “the same equipment as the military.” Testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee, the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre argued that, “without any doubt” Americans need the firepower to fight back against the government if government agents come knocking at the door. In 2009, at the CPAC Convention, LaPierre stated bluntly that “Our Founding Fathers understood that the guys with the guns make the rules.”

In 2010, Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sharron Angle voiced thinly veiled approval for the assassination of her Democratic opponent, Senate Majority leader Harry Reid, when she stated that “If this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.” The same year, Allen West’s future chief of staff bluntly remarked “If ballots don’t work, bullets will.” Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann insisted in 2009, that she wanted her constituents “armed and dangerous” to fight an energy tax bill.

The most frightening part about this insurrectionist ideology is that the people who adhere to it, already believe we are living under tyranny or headed rapidly in that direction. With this in mind, many of them already contend that the time for armed insurrection is now or at least it is coming very soon. For example, the day after Barack Obama’s historic election victory in 2008, NRA board member and former Montana sheriff Jay Printz authored a blog post that stated menacingly, “Well, my friends, it looks like we had better put in a good supply of powder and lead!!!!” and on the same day he posted an image that stated, “When they come for your guns…give them your bullets!”

In 2011, Schaeffer Cox, head of the Second Amendment Task Force and the Alaska Peacemakers Militia was arrested with four of his followers and charged with conspiracy to commit murder, kidnapping, and arson. He was sentenced to a 25 year prison term. Cox believed the US was sliding into tyranny and he bragged, incorrectly I might add, that he and his supporters had the government “outmanned and outgunned.” Cox’s petition to justify overthrowing the US government was signed by NRA board member and Alaska Republican Congressman Don Young.

In March of 2012, a Republican Committee county chair in Virginia published a newsletter that exemplifies the insurrectionist philosophy of the gun lobby and the Republican far right. The newsletter argued that America under Obama was so tyrannical that if he could not be voted out in November, armed insurrection would become necessary. It read, in part, “We have before us a challenge to remove an ideologue unlike anything world history has ever witnessed or recognized … The ultimate task for the people is to remain vigilant and aware that the government, their government, is out of control, and this moment, this opportunity, must not be forsaken, must not escape us, for we shall not have any coarse [sic] but armed revolution should we fail with the power of the vote in November. This Republic cannot survive for 4 more years underneath this political socialist ideologue.”

This year, the Wisconsin branch of the NRA circulated a newsletter calling for armed revolt against the US government. The newsletter argued that “elections are not the solution to our problem; elections are the problem” and it called for toppling the US government. When the definition of tyranny extends to a democratically elected president, and elections are defined as the problem rather than a solution, the strident voices calling for armed rebellion are not patriots but rather they are more akin to traitors ready and willing to betray the democracy we live in to pursue their own selfish and misguided ends.

Nobody has expressed the NRA’s insurrectionist philosophy more eloquently than board member, serial convicted wildlife poacher and “past his prime” misogynist rock musician Ted Nugent, who while hoisting two machine guns on stage during a concert screamed with unbridled hostility “Obama, he’s a piece of shit. I told him to suck on my machine gun. Hey Hillary! You might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch.” Nugent concluded his vicious hate-filled rant by shouting the word “freedom!”

Rejecting Insurrectionist Guerrilla War Fantasies

The debate over regulating guns is a contentious one and a necessary one in a functioning democracy. Individuals have a right to self-protection and to recreational hunting and target shooting. However, neither self-protection nor recreation require unlimited access to military grade weapons, and citizens have a right to a reasoned debate on what gun law reforms might be necessary in the wake of tremendous tragedies like the Aurora theater shooting, the Sikh temple murders and the Sandy Hook massacre. Such difficult debates warrant a public discussion on the merits of gun legislation and what measures can be done to improve public safety without violating the constitutional rights of American citizens.

Reason does not however dictate that we continue to indulge the paranoid rantings and delusional fantasies of militant fanatics whose grasp of reality is so thin that they make comparisons between Barack Obama and tyrants like Adolf Hitler, with no sense of irony and no acknowledgement of hyperbole. In these twisted fantasies, any attempt to curtail any type of weaponry or to require any type of background check is tantamount to tyranny. No government agency is intent on disarming the American citizenry simply by advocating a few sensible pieces of legislation designed to curb gun violence. The idea that the US federal government is determined to disarm and enslave us, has no credible evidence on its side. The fact that gun-toting ideologues can not distinguish between a text like “Mein Kampf” and a text like “The Audacity of Hope”, is but one of the flaws of the insurrrectionist line of thinking. Passing an energy tax, raising corporate income taxes or enacting an expansion of government assistance for health care does not constitute tyranny. Setting a limit on magazine sizes no more leads down the slippery slope to gun confiscation than setting a speed limit leads to automobile confiscation.

The notion that citizens need to have military style weaponry to fight their government implies that the government is intent on waging war on the citizenry, a notion that is on the surface absurd. Yes, our government does sometimes violate the civil liberties of some of the nation’s citizens and we as a nation must collectively be vigilant in fighting government excesses. However, the paranoid fantasy that we need to resist our government by force or that the idea that any one citizen has the right or the ability to wage war on the government and win is simply lunacy.

President Obama has not committed his Munich Beer Hall Putsch nor instigated his version of Krystallnacht, and any suggestion that this nation’s government is on a march to disarm the population and enslave us in concentration camps because we do not have enough AR-15s at our disposal is not a serious argument and it does not belong in a reasonable debate among women and men deciding the future of our nation. The fact that a powerful gun lobby’s board of directors and their allies in Congress embrace such nonsensical paranoia is not sufficient reason to treat their arguments as if they hold intellectual merit, no matter how often they are repeated on the cable news networks.

If the men and women in the NRA leadership and their Congressional supporters want to fantasize about waging guerrilla warfare against the federal government they have the freedom to do that and nobody has yet taken the guns away from Wayne LaPierre, Ted Nugent or Don Young despite their incendiary rhetoric. However, when they throw their tantrums and launch rhetorical firebombs at the government, we do not have to accept their claims of patriotism and let them wrap those arguments in the American flag. In a functioning democracy, armed insurrection is not a form of patriotism. It is treason and the NRA leadership is flirting with treason when they embrace paranoid insurrectionist fantasies and abandon all reason in the process. It is time we call it what it is and stop treating such arguments as intellectually valid or morally defensible.


courtesy of Gun Control Now USA:


Inside The Bird Cage Saloon III



GUN 2013

Chapter 17


These bar stories are a dime a dozen.  Why must  a story always pass thru a saloon?  What’s the big deal about having a drink?  And why are these men having one, two, whatever number, before noon?  Everyone except Ted Newscent, who is now sitting in the back corner with his back to the wall, sober, playing a tune.

And I ~ I don’t have a drink either.  The bartender returns from the cellar, passes out ammo.  He looks up from his task, spies the spy who is standing under the bird cage dome forlornly scratching his head and picking his nose.

“What are you doing here?” asks the bartender.

Momentarily I ignore the bartender.  I’m wondering what happened to my hat.  It’s not on my head.  I look around.  It’s on the floor next to my foot.  Humph.  I pick up old faithful, slam it on top of where it belongs & finally peer back at the bartender.  “I’m looking for a rest room,” says I.

“It’s closed.”

That’s an obvious lie.  But then, I was lying too.  Suddenly I am in an unforgiving mood ~ perhaps a suicidal mood ~ seeing as everyone is loading AR-15 like conglomerates, like they’re heading out on a mission to destroy the federal government and I’m in the way.  I clear my throat, try to talk, but only a tweet comes out ~ like I’m a bird ~ prey for the big wooden eagle perched in the bird-cage dome above my head.  I clear my throat again & loudly, successfully, proclaim, “You men are breaking the law!”

This gets everybody’s attention.  The place is suddenly quiet but for a low slow twanging in the rear corner.  Then that dies.  And then it’s too quiet.

I especially don’t like the look Wayne Peeintheair is giving me.  He’s a confident man with bodyguards.  But he’s a crazy man too ~ crazy enough to dress up like a clown and hand out loaded derringers to kids on the street.  He is definitely in the midst of a nervous breakdown.  I can tell by the way he is twitching.  The whole right side of his body is a consistent jerk.  His askew hair is covering one eye.  His other eye is the evil eye.  The glare of this evil eye never wavers, never ceases.  I am the target.

“What stops a bad man with a gun?” hollers Peeintheair.

“A good man with a gun!” everyone hollers back.  Everyone is grinning, especially the goofy old guitar player in the back corner.  Everyone except me.

So I grin back at the evil eye.  It’s a formaldehyde-stiff dead man’s grin ~ but a grin nevertheless ~ something I learned to do in an earlier lifetime on the frontier when I was Davy Crockett, with just a knife, facing a bear.  But now I am unarmed ~ and, in a situation like this, I might as well be unarmed.  There’s too many of them.  A few safeties click.  A Peeintheair bodyguard slowly reaches into his coat.

I say, and with daring false bravado, “You’re all breaking the law ~ the law of the future!”

The bodyguard’s paw stops in midair.  An off-duty cop, draped in an “Iron Brotherhood” jacket, laughs.  Sitting in the back corner with the quiet guitar, Newscent bursts, “You’re crazy, Rawclyde!”

“Maybe I’m not crazy.  Maybe I’m a prophet,” says I.  “Maybe the law in the future will be you gotta have a license to own and bare a firearm, and all your firearms will have to be registered and insured ~ just like your privately-owned motor vehicle.  Then, and only then, when you comply with this law, will you be in compliance with the 2nd Amendment ~ instead of a bunch of gun-toting yahoos!”

“He’s right, damn it!” screeches Newscent in the back corner & in the midst of sudden realization & bright-eyed epiphany.   He attempts to leap from his chair, but groans instead & hobbles forward, getting old, but not too old to, thusly, pontificate, “Ever since that son of a bitch’s massacre in Newtown of those poor little first-graders in their school, in their own school, brothers, it’s been eating me alive ~ the truth!  And the truth is, the ‘well regulated militia’ half of the 2nd Amendment means we all gotta register our guns!”

And there Ted & I stood, side by side, staring them all down…


Lizzy Frost & Friends

Go go dancers more fun than guns